How are you, you sexy bitch? It's been a while huh? Remember me, the 21-year old version of you? I bet you do. I guess gravity is no longer your friend. By now your boobs are hanging somewhere down your knees and your face will look like a warzone. No, I bet all those creams you've been smearing all over your face for the past few years haven't had the effect they promised. I suggest you sue the companies who made them. Bastards.
I hope that you've made your dreams come true. I know you've had a lot of them when you were my age. Hopes and dreams of better tomorrows. A chance to escape the past and become someone. Change the world. Or at least change someone's life for the better. I hope that by now you live in a nice house with a sexy guy who looks like a younger Gerard Butler. I hope you have that dog you named Barney Banana, which is perfectly raised and trained because your surprise touches put Cesar Millan to shame. You're the dog whisperer baby! But most of all, I hope you're happy.
I know the road's been tough. Believe me, I've been through it all with you right from the beginning. And I know the wounds won't heal that easily. They hurt like real bitches. But just remember that even when the road is pitch-black and you feel like you're in some sort of horror film and your friends thought it a good idea to split up, know that there is a chance you won't get hit by an axe in the head. Unless you're Paris Hilton. Oh wait, you probably won't know who that is anymore. Forget about it!
You've made mistakes. That's alright. You loved and let go. As you do. Just remember that the tears you've shed in the past and made you look like a panda, they will dry too! You'll be happy. Just give those overly-excited thoughts in your head some rest. Relax, chill out. Don't panic! Do not have panic attacks in irrelevant situations. You might accidentally step on a puppy. That is socially unacceptable. Just release the inner Bob Marley in you. Because guess what, it all turned out to be quite alright, didn't it?
How bad can it really be? I mean, unless you're a serial killer with her own line of action figures, I don't see anything you have to worry about. Just smile. And yeah, it's fine if you feel like shit once in a while. Everyone does. Just drop that mask, grab some ice cream and let it all out. You're heart will get broken more than once. Stamped on and crushed into a million pieces. Don't worry, nothing good glue can't fix. You just have to believe in yourself. Stop trying to be perfect at everything you do. You're not, and you won't ever be perfect, bitch! Just enjoy the now, live in the moment and never stop believing. Yes, I know about the horrible things people have said in the past. Don't worry, they live under a bridge now. Or they are married to a horrible spouse. Or they're in jail. Or all three combined. Shit happens.
What I'm trying to say is, choose your own happiness. Don't give a shit about what others might say. Do what makes you happy. Think about all the awesome people you've met along the way, the cool things you've done and how happy you felt doing exactly what you love. When you were me, you had potential. You were a star but the world just didn't see you shine yet. When you read this again, I better fucking hope you've accomplished something. I hope you let yourself shine for a change. Because only you can make the change. Nobody else can. This is getting all shades of melo-dramatic again and I think I should stop now.
See you in another 10 years!
Love,
You
____
Note: I wrote this because I'm currently going through some shit and I always find writing helps me deal with it. I have many dreams and wishes I hope I will accomplish in the future. This is my way of reminding myself to change. To become a better person. To be proud of myself. This is in no way an attempt to be vain or whatever. Why am I even writing a footnote? Oh look! A giraffe!
We live in a world where we are defined by our differences. We look, not at what is the same, but at what makes us feel superior over others. Children are raised by their parents to hate certain people or groups, people hold on to what they think is right and even kill to prove others are wrong. We're blind. Blinded by our own beliefs. We believe we all own the truth but the truth is nothing but our imagination.
It shouldn't matter that we are all different. It shouldn't matter that we have different skin colours, or that we believe in different Gods or in no God at all. We all live under the same sun. If we all open our eyes and face the same direction, we can walk towards a better tomorrow. We will all be able to chose who we love and follow our dreams. If we imagine a world where we won't be consumed by hatred, but where we can all stand side by side, we can change things. We can change the world if we all stand together.
We will all face heartbreak at some point. We will all go through tough moments which make us feel like all hope is lost. But we can make it through because in the end, we will only become stronger.
Thank you America for choosing freedom. For allowing people to love the person who owns their heart, regardless of gender. For allowing people to be able to live their life without the need to be rich. Thank you for choosing change.
As Obama said:
Change
will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We
are the ones we've been waiting for. We are the change that we seek.
You know, I am not a normal person. At least that's what most people say. Opinions are always different and range from "Omg, you're awesome" to "Bitch, please disappear." That's fine. You can't win them all. Or can you? In any case, people always agree on the fact that I am not normal. But being normal is boring anyway and should be forbidden by law.
Being weird has led me to enjoy people who are equally strange. And that is why I always enjoyed reading the Bloggess. I mean the blog of course. If you haven't checked it out yet, do so! www.thebloggess.com
In April this year, The Bloggess, or Jenny Lawson as she's really called, published a book called "Let's pretend this never happened". I wanted to read it back then, but in ma country, it wasn't released yet and so I had to wait centuries until I got it for my birthday. I immediately started reading it and I have never laughed this much about a book in my life. She's honest, funny and shows that there is nothing wrong with being weird or strange. It has actually taught me a lot about myself and about others. We all have our flaws. We all make mistakes. But instead of judging others by these faults, we should embrace them and celebrate our differences.
2 quotes that really struck me:
“You should just accept who you are, flaws and all, because if you try
to be someone you aren't, then eventually some turkey is going to shit
all over your well-crafted facade, so you might as well save yourself
the effort and enjoy your zombie books.”
“I can finally see that all the terrible parts of my life, the
embarrassing parts, the incidents I wanted to pretend never happened,
and the things that make me "weird" and "different," were actually the
most important parts of my life. They were the parts that made me ME.”
I have started to feel more comfortable about myself in the past few months. This book was even more of an eye-opener. It made me want to go out into the world and celebrate my weirdness. It made me proud of who I was, even though I am everything but perfect. And I have accepted the fact that not everyone can and will like you, and that they will talk badly about you. But that's no longer my problem. I'm proud of who I am and everyone should be. This book has given me the desire to be free again. I feel like running outside and throwing glitter at random people. I bet bitches would love that.
In conclusion, if you're strange and you feel like you're alone, read this book. You know what, just read this book anyway. It will make you laugh and it will make you feel better. And don't forget to check out www.thebloggess.com Weirdoes unite!
So you know, yesterday I sang on stage with Mika. No biggie, right? I was lucky enough to be chosen as part of the Polka Dot Choir. Which meant I got to sing in Paradiso. In front of about 1500 people. How awesome is that? Totally awesome!
Getting inside
I was already in Amsterdam which was quite convenient. I slept in a hostel (well I barely slept anyway because I shared my bunk bed with a total bitch) and woke up quite early in the morning. I decided to already put lots of make up on, which apparently was considered to be very strange by all the backpacking people. I then went down to get breakfast, couldn't eat without wanting to throw up, attempted to paint my nails but failed miserably, before I was kicked out and left on the street with no money and no shelter. I'm just kidding. I had money.
I spent the following hours wandering around Amsterdam, walking in and out of shops until I decided to see some friends who were queueing. We went for lunch and before I knew it, it was about time to go in. I met some choir members in front of the venue already, and we immediately hit it off. Not sexually, you pervert. We are decent girls.
Anyways, we were let inside the venue without anyone checking IDs. Which was strange but okay. After a while, the entire choir was complete and I felt as if I had known these people for ages already. Everyone was so lovely and crazy and we were really determined to be the best we could possibly be.
After waiting for aaaageesss, the band finally arrived and Tim led us to the dressing room where we would rehearse. Everybody just sat down, chilled a bit and we all sang together. Other band members came and sang with us and it was all very cool. At a sudden point Mika appeared, but nobody seemed to be bothered by it. We were in the flow, yo. They said we were a good choir, and Tim shouted Dutch Power! We all agreed of course, but then Mika told Tim off because he can't even pronounce his own Dutch last name. Which was quite funny. We kept practising some more and I would have been fine with it if we had done that for hours. It was so intimate and relaxed and we sounded very good together.
The band left for soundcheck and we practised some more. We helped each other with lyrics and harmonies and vowed to make it the best show evah. It wasn't long before we were called up for soundcheck. Funny thing was, when they put us behind the microphone, the technician guy looked at me and said: "haven't we met before?" I coughed and mumbled Possibly.
We had to stand really close to the microphone, so my mic partner and I pretended to kiss each other as we were that close. We rehearsed some dance moves and Popular and then were kicked off again. Tim came back later to rehearse some of the other songs, but we were short on time so after that, we had a short break and we got something to eat.
It then turned into one big make up party as we all prepared for the show. We were told we could watch the first few songs from the back and so we did. We were dancing and singing along and people were looking at us. It was hilarious. When Lola started, we ran back, put our robes on and prepared to go on stage. The moment the last notes of Rain died away were the most nerve-wrecking. It all disappeared the moment we got on stage...
The gig
Basically, we went for it. About a 200%. We danced and sang our lungs out. We had to get off stage sometimes, and get back on again. We were on stage for the last half of the show. Of course I had my little fail moment, when during the band introduction, I didn't see Mika motioning us to sit down. So I kept standing. Then got pulled down and fell. And everyone fell with me like we were playing domino. It was pretty fucking hilarious. I should learn to pay more attention next time, hehe.
It was great to see the audience smiling and dancing and responding to us. It's weird when strangers are trying to touch you. But fun! When we got off stage we were sweating like maniacs, but we were in such a state of bliss and euphoria. I think that all of us could have gone for another hour without a problem. It was fucking amazing.
After the show
We walked down the stairs and got a thumbs up from Mika once we were downstairs. Tim came over to high five us all. It was a great show and a great start of the European tour. We were all jumping around and smiling and saying how awesome we were. We decided to take a group picture in our robes (in front of the toilet). Mrs. Penniman was so kind to take it for us. Then we started being excited again when Mika appeared with a bottle of Moet&Chandon. He wanted to toast on us and was sad that there only was one bottle. He then showed off his skills as a previous waiter, but apparently you can't hire him for parties. Damn it. So, we downed the champagne (which was not a good idea for me because I don't usually drink alcohol) and we just chatted a bit about the show, about creepy gifts from people, stoned audience members and what not. Then it was picture time. We first took group pictures, and then we took pictures in smaller groups. When one of the guys suggested to look 'tough' I said they should do a sexy face. Mika totally failed at his because he started laughing and couldn't do it.
He then said he wished our paths would cross again and hoped we would sing together again someday. Which should totally happen. We should start a popgroup. Mika & The Mikettes. Or whatever. I see a bright future ahead!
Mika then left and we started to clean the dressing room because we're awesome like that. The band came over to take a picture and it turned out great. We packed up our stuff, promised to stay in touch and then left the venue *sad face*.
I haven't had this much fun in ages. We were constantly laughing, having fun, singing and dancing. I was so sad when it was over because I had the best fucking time ever. We weren't treated as fans at all, but it really felt like we belonged there. I wish we could do this every day. Damn it. I miss everyone already!
You're doing it wrong. Totally wrong. And not the guilty pleasure Village People kinda wrong. And I know what you're trying to do. I get your whole animal liberation thing. Or wait, actually I don't. But we'll get to that in a bit.
Don't get me wrong PETA, I love animals. In my spare time, I hug rattlesnakes and run with deer in the forest, channeling my inner Pocahontas. Animals are great. They are fluffy and cute and majestic and amazing and dangerous and what not. And it's terrible that animals are being tortured and used for experiments and shit. If anyone would hurt my dog, they would meet my fist in their face. However, there is such a thing as a line. PETA, you cross that line. No, you don't cross it. You jump over that line, pull down your pants and show your Ah-ha's to innocent bystanders. And why? Because all animals have to roam free like this is fucking My Little Pony Land. Nothing wrong with that sentiment, but you are trying to persuade the neutral people in a way that makes them run away from you. Screaming. In circles.
First off, PETA, you say that animals should not be used for consumption. We shouldn't eat animals. They are not ours to eat! I respect anyone who is a vegetarian for whatever reason. Just the reasoning that we are not allowed to eat animals is a bit weird. Why you ask? Well, if humans are told off for eating animals, we should totally tell that nasty ass lion to keep his claws off of that lovely zebra. Or even our own domesticated cats. How does Felix dare to catch that mouse? Thing is, PETA, if humans hadn't eaten any animals back in the day when there was no such thing as paint to throw at people you don't agree with, then there wouldn't have been humans at all. And that would suck right? Who is going to tell all those carnivores off for eating other living species when there are no people around? I agree with you that the food industry is a bit extreme nowadays and that it's totally uncool how some animals are treated by some people. But that doesn't mean that we should all stop eating meat and run around in our Adam and Eve costumes. There's a middle way, trust me.
PETA, when I watch videos of the IFAW, my heart breaks into a million pieces. They make me want to go out there and prevent people from stepping on kittens. You, however, decide to use criminal acts to make people listen to you. Basically, you are just a terrorist organisation. You don't really care about animals. In fact, you even killed thousands of animals in your care. Is that your idea of liberation? I certainly hope not. Apparently, some guy named Bruce, who happens to be in your organisation, allegedly said: “blowing stuff up and smashing windows is a great way to bring about animal liberation.” I don't really see how? It just sounds like a kid who seeks attention and what better way to blow shit up in the name of all those helpless animals! When someone tries to intimidate me, I won't listen. When someone sets my house on fire, it won't make me believe that I was wrong all along and was just too blind to see. It just makes me want to drag your ass to court. When someone throws paint at me, I won't like them. Paint is for painting. Just go draw a picture of an animal in need.
The reason why I am writing this now, PETA, is because recently you have launched a campaign against animal abusers with the use of the animation series Pokemon. According to you, Pokemon teaches kids to use animals in combat and abuse them when they're not obedient. What kind of fuckery is that? I was 7 when Pokemon was released. I was a very active Pokemon fan. I played all the games, collected the cards, etc. etc. Basically, according to your ideas, I was an animal abuser in the making. Well, PETA, I learned several things from Pokemon. I learned English, which is very convenient. I learned about friendship and so much more. It never crossed my minds to use real animals for battling. I have never met anyone who thought you can use animals for battling because Pokemon taught them that. For fuck's sake PETA, it's a cartoon series. There is so much violence in cartoons these days, yet that doesn't turn children into mass murderers. After all, it's you who murders thousands of healthy cats and dogs, not the people who play Pokemon.
PETA, it's a bit short-sighted to believe in the liberation of all animals. If we would all liberate our pets, they would be dead in 2 days. Besides, my dog doesn't even want to be liberate. Nobody pets you when you're liberated as a dog. Nobody feeds you. That's pretty shit.
PETA, I suggest that if you actually want people to listen to you, you should drop this radical approach of yours. You don't give a flying fuck about your so-called cause. You're just an attention whore who doesn't get laid enough. No, PETA, smashing things and burning things down is not justified when you have a 'reason' for it. You devalue the lives of other humans, in favour of the lives of animals, apart from your own lives. Yours lives are pretty valuable.
Once again, PETA, I agree with you that there should be changes. Animals should be treated better. But if you had any intelligence, you would see that your way, is not the way to do it.
I want to come clean. I strongly dislike watching horror films. I don't really get that whole idea of a limb here, a fountain of blood there or some creepy ass ghost haunting bitches at night. It's not my thang yo. A few years ago, when I was still at secondary school, some of my classmates had convinced my German teacher that we should totally watch this film called Saw. For educational purposes of course. Now, I managed to watch 5 minutes of it. That was quite an accomplishment, considering the fact that next thing I knew, I was about to throw up, which resulted in my classmates having to watch The Prince and Me in German. You're welcome kids.
Despite the fact that horror films are not my thing, I have managed to watch some (parts) of horror films that I found very fascinating. The most fascinating thing about horror films is that they are mostly very similar to each other. It usually involves a group of young people who decide it's the best idea to drive into some random deserted place. Naturally, there is no way to get in touch with the rest of the world and oh fuck, flat tyre!
Now, if I happen to be stuck somewhere with a flat tyre, the last thing I would do is go in some creepy looking shed, hoping someone would help me. And even if I would, I would get the fuck out of there if nobody was answering. I am not going to sleep in the shed or house. I understand, it's difficult to call road services with no signal, but I'd rather walk the way back then stay in some haunted mansion. Yet, would destiny force me to stay in that house and if I'd be with a group of friends, I would definitely not be like "Oh hey guys, there's some wicked shit going on here. You know what we should do? Split up!" It always happens in horror films. The idiots split up. And as we all know, shit goes down once they split up. Bitches get murdered. Now, if you belong to any of these groups, you are most likely not going to survive a horror scenario.
1. The slut: She/He is usually the first to be murdered by some axe-swinging bastard. Preferably whilst having sex. But let's be honest, who the hell is even thinking about having sex when they are in some abandoned shithole you have just trespassed for whatever reason. It's as if these psychopaths smell the body juices, the moment sluts are tongue-tied together. So, kids, be smart, don't have sex when you're in a situation like this. It might save your ass.
2. The gothic: If you're all different and drawn to the dark side because of the cookies, you might end up pretty dead by the end of the ride. You will manage to last for a while, just because you understand the dark forces and can tell all your non-dead friends about what the devil is going on. Still, you're dead meat. Sorry.
3. The stoner: Pretty much speaks for itself. If you're too high to function, you're too high to save your ass. Gosh, I hope Amsterdam will never be attacked by zombies.
4. The Hippie: The nicest person. In such circumstances it's irritating when you're nice. And so you die.
5. The Funny guy: Making jokes about a serial killer is not done. It's a serious job, you know and someone's got to do it. Oh...behind you...
6. The Smart Kid: If you wear glasses and a bow-tie, and have more intelligence than the majority of your group of friends, you're screwed. It doesn't matter if you're smart enough to find a solution to this killing problem. The knife is always faster.
7. The Angry kid: Look, we're in enough trouble as it is already, no need to be an asshole about it okay? When you keep shouting like that you will....aaaand his head is gone.
8. Every minority: It's unfair, I know. But if you're not the handsome male white hero, or the clever but good-looking gal, you are doomed. It's nothing personal. It doesn't matter if you're black or white or Asian, gay or straight. If you're not Channing Tatum, you're fucked.
So, if I'd ever be in this situation with any one of you, this is what we'll do. You go into that house which has the reputation for being haunted, and I will run away and get my ass out of there and call the cops and hope you will return safely. And preferably unpossessed by some demon. And with all your limbs. I will include some unnecessary loud screaming as well. And I will run in circles. It's nothing personal. I suggest you try to get your ass out of that situation too.
Ps. if you want to see a funny and awesome spoof on horror films of the 60s and 70s, watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show. You shall not be disappointed!
