Monday, 25 March 2013

Work in progress

So, I'm working very hard on a new project in between all the things I have to do for uni. I'm very proud of what we've got so far and am pretty sure it will be fucking amazing. Here's a thing I just wrote. Not sure if it will make the cut but I liked it:

I can tell your heart’s been crying
I can tell that you’ve been hiding
Don’t fear, show your face again.

I only want to see you smiling.
We’ll forget about the little white lies
And paint the world in our colours.

From now on there won’t be sorrow
We’ll be walking on clouds so
When you lose your way I’ll be next to you.

Take a step forward instead of turning back
We’re petals dancing in a chilly breeze
Whenever you need me, know that I’m here.

I’ll wake you up in the morning
I’ll sing you to sleep at night.
I will be the person who will tell you it’s alright.

 Sometimes we play a losing game
We can’t win if we’ve never tried
I only live to see the sunshine rise in your eyes.


This is conception art we've made. It is a model for the most awesome drawing you'll ever see in your existence.

Wednesday, 13 March 2013

Dear Taylor Swift,

I have just heard your new song, 22, and I feel like something's missing. I know, I know. You have made a lot of money out of being the perfect daughter-in-law, but honey, it's time to spice up your life! There comes a time when your 10-year old fans will no longer fall for the sad break up songs. They will get drunk in the clubs while being naked and shagging 6 strangers all at once. It happens. So, Taytay, because I am such a good person, I have already written you a new song. No worries, it involves all your exes. You're welcome to use this, but I do expect royalties. Let's become partners in crime!

Idea behind this song is the fact that Taylor seems to be very unlucky in relationships. I figured men like food. That's why it should be a song about food. God I'm a fucking genius.

Without further ado, my song written for Taylor Swift, called My Hotdog.

My Hotdog

It's getting late
My tears have dried
I feel pretty rowdy
Wanna party tonight?
Got your number in my phone
But texting you ain't my Style
Gonna get me a sugardaddy
'Cuz he ain't fertile

And I'm so so happy
So so happy
Gonna party with Jackie D.


Baby let's snog
I want your hotdog
I want a bite of your tasty
Why you so hasty?

Woaaah woooah oh oh
We just got here.
Woaaah woooaah oh oh
It's in the atmosphere.

Eat this shit John Mayer
Now I'm the biggest player
You can wait on the world to change
But you're within my rocket range
Miley said she couldn't be tamed
But the title of baddest bitch is claimed
It's me-e, Swift to the T.
And it's an added bonus
If I can smash the guitar of a Jonas.


Baby let's snog
I want your hotdog
I want a bite of your tasty
Why you so hasty?

Woaaah woooah oh oh
We just got here.
Woaaah woooaah oh oh
It's in the atmosphere.

Oh oh oh oh
No werewolf as wild as me
I wish Twilight books
Could go back to being trees
Oh oh oh oh

Baby let's snog
I want your hotdog
I want a bite of your tasty
Why you so hasty?

Woaaah woooah oh oh
We just got here.
Woaaah woooaah oh oh
It's in the atmosphere.

Gimme your hotdog
Gimme your hotdog
Clear the smog
I want your hotdog
Like that!

A very important message

We, the people of the NAFTPOTCHOD are angry. Why you ask? Because we feel discriminated. Bullied. Tortured. We've sat back for too long and let all of this go by, but enough is enough. Our teenagers are harming themselves, they can't go to a pond without being made fun of. First they were too feathery, now they can't set a foot without teenage girls and orange adults pulling these weird faces, imitating our beautiful visages. It makes us feel self-conscious. It makes us sad! It makes us angry!

We will fight against it. Oh yes we will. And we shall not come alone. All broad-beaked bitches will come and find you, next time you're near our pond. We will have no mercy.

So, as a request of the National Association For The Protection Of The Culture Heritage Of Ducks, please, humans, stop making fun of us. We will give you a week. If not, our revenge will be feathery sweet.


Quack Duck
President of the NAFTPOTCHOD.

Tuesday, 12 March 2013

This is why some people should sit the fuck down and overthink their priorities.

It's been enough. It's time to end this once and for all. As a fan of certain artists and an observer of popular music in general, I have come to a conclusion that will shock the world; There are too many psychos in fandoms who have no idea that they are psychos.

I know what you're thinking. This is well-known. Why do you even bother? Well, because as the good person that I am, I feel it's necessary for me to help those crazed people by making them aware of their awkward behaviour. I don't care whether you're an I'm-15-so-it's-cute-if-I-act-like-a-potential-serial-killer psycho or an I'm-60-and-I-have-failed-in-life-so-I-will-just-stalk-a-young-popstar-and-send-him-nudepics-and-make-everyone-feel-awkward kinda psycho. It is not cute. It is not sexy. It will most likely get you a restraining order.

Why you ask? Because in reality, you think you know your idol, but in most cases your idol has no clue who the fuck you are and you are just a stranger to said person. Now, while it is nice to receive compliments from strangers, it's taken to a whole new level when you bombard someone with messages of your undying love and the anger when there is no response, when this person has never met you. It's different when you've met your idol a couple of times and you're on good terms with him/her, sharing inside jokes. Yet you wouldn't say such things to a stranger in the train, so you shouldn't say such things to a singer/actor etc.

To illustrate my point, I have drawn this amazing illustrations for the crazies among us who prefer to get the image more visual. You're welcome:

In what universe would this be considered cute? In no universe, that is where.

Another point which outs someone as a crazy, is the insane jealousy which is publicly displayed on social media, preferably aimed towards friends or fellow fans who get attention from the prefered idol of choice. It might even be a tweet that is completely random or pretty lame, yet still might cause an outburst of jealous rage.

Imagine I was the popstar (Shut up) and I tweeted this to one of my followers:

And say my good friend Luke is a friend of Iheartingie4evah. They've chatted online for hours, been to an insane amount of gigs together and basically have sworn never to leave each other's side. Then Luke sees this tweet and he goes apeshit. After all, he has been bombarding popstar me with a million tweets asking me to notice him.

What kind of friendship is this? Why not be happy for the other person, no matter if you do know him/her or not?

To round this story off, this is what fictional fan Luke tweeted next:

What I'm trying to say is, do you, crazy stalker person, not realise that nobody is going to notice you by sending creepy, forcing messages to a celebrity? Oh I beg my pardon, they will notice you and probably block your ass or make sure you are not going to get within 400 feet of the person you are stalking.
 Yes, social media has blurred the lines between what is acceptable and what is not. Still, I bet you wouldn't like people to shout: "OMG I LOVE YOUR CHESTHAIR AND YOUR NIPPLES" at you when you are walking down the street. Just sit the fuck down and calm your tits. No, your idol is not perfect. He/she farts and swears and does shit you don't want to know about. No, your idol is not your best friend even though you sent him/her your life story through twitter. No, it is not nice to harrass other fans just because they did get a tweet or real life contact with your idol. After all, it will only out you as an insane freak and nobody likes to be around insane people. They've been known to bite and shit.

Take my advise; If you want to write about your sexual or whatever kind of fantasies with your idol, go get a diary and make sure nobody reads it. It will ensure people do not get to see the perverted sex offender side of you.

Before you tweet something, take a moment to think if this is really what you want to say. Could you perhaps rephrase it so it won't sound like it came straight from a Stephen King novel? If no, then don't tweet it.

If you are a jealous person and can't handle the fact that sometimes in life, people get something you don't, then sulk in a corner of your room, but do not, I repeat, do not vent your frustrations on the internet as it will make you look like a character from a Stephen King novel in the likely case you chose the wrong words to get your message across. Nobody likes to hang with IT.

Let's face it, when you're a teenager, it is likely that next year you have another favourite popstar. So it would be awkward if the past would come back to hound your ass. And if you end up sticking to this idol, please make sure you have a life outside of being a creepy stalker. It helps to keep you grounded.

And if you are already that fucked up that all sense of reality is gone, then I really feel sorry for you. Here's a cookie!

So that was my rant for today. I hope it has helped. Or at least entertained some people. Huzah!

Sunday, 3 March 2013