Sunday, 28 October 2012

Rocking the shit out of Paradiso

So you know, yesterday I sang on stage with Mika. No biggie, right? I was lucky enough to be chosen as part of the Polka Dot Choir. Which meant I got to sing in Paradiso. In front of about 1500 people. How awesome is that? Totally awesome!

Getting inside

I was already in Amsterdam which was quite convenient. I slept in a hostel (well I barely slept anyway because I shared my bunk bed with a total bitch) and woke up quite early in the morning. I decided to already put lots of make up on, which apparently was considered to be very strange by all the backpacking people. I then went down to get breakfast, couldn't eat without wanting to throw up, attempted to paint my nails but failed miserably, before I was kicked out and left on the street with no money and no shelter. I'm just kidding. I had money.
I spent the following hours wandering around Amsterdam, walking in and out of shops until I decided to see some friends who were queueing. We went for lunch and before I knew it, it was about time to go in. I met some choir members in front of the venue already, and we immediately hit it off. Not sexually, you pervert. We are decent girls.
Anyways, we were let inside the venue without anyone checking IDs. Which was strange but okay. After a while, the entire choir was complete and I felt as if I had known these people for ages already. Everyone was so lovely and crazy and we were really determined to be the best we could possibly be.
After waiting for aaaageesss, the band finally arrived and Tim led us to the dressing room where we would rehearse. Everybody just sat down, chilled a bit and we all sang together. Other band members came and sang with us and it was all very cool. At a sudden point Mika appeared, but nobody seemed to be bothered by it. We were in the flow, yo. They said we were a good choir, and Tim shouted Dutch Power! We all agreed of course, but then Mika told Tim off because he can't even pronounce his own Dutch last name. Which was quite funny. We kept practising some more and I would have been fine with it if we had done that for hours. It was so intimate and relaxed and we sounded very good together.
The band left for soundcheck and we practised some more. We helped each other with lyrics and harmonies and vowed to make it the best show evah. It wasn't long before we were called up for soundcheck. Funny thing was, when they put us behind the microphone, the technician guy looked at me and said: "haven't we met before?" I coughed and mumbled Possibly.
We had to stand really close to the microphone, so my mic partner and I pretended to kiss each other as we were that close. We rehearsed some dance moves and Popular and then were kicked off again. Tim came back later to rehearse some of the other songs, but we were short on time so after that, we had a short break and we got something to eat.
It then turned into one big make up party as we all prepared for the show. We were told we could watch the first few songs from the back and so we did. We were dancing and singing along and people were looking at us. It was hilarious. When Lola started, we ran back, put our robes on and prepared to go on stage. The moment the last notes of Rain died away were the most nerve-wrecking. It all disappeared the moment we got on stage...

The gig

Basically, we went for it. About a 200%. We danced and sang our lungs out. We had to get off stage sometimes, and get back on again. We were on stage for the last half of the show. Of course I had my little fail moment, when during the band introduction, I didn't see Mika motioning us to sit down. So I kept standing. Then got pulled down and fell. And everyone fell with me like we were playing domino. It was pretty fucking hilarious. I should learn to pay more attention next time, hehe.
It was great to see the audience smiling and dancing and responding to us. It's weird when strangers are trying to touch you. But fun! When we got off stage we were sweating like maniacs, but we were in such a state of bliss and euphoria. I think that all of us could have gone for another hour without a problem. It was fucking amazing.

After the show

We walked down the stairs and got a thumbs up from Mika once we were downstairs. Tim came over to high five us all. It was a great show and a great start of the European tour. We were all jumping around and smiling and saying how awesome we were. We decided to take a group picture in our robes (in front of the toilet). Mrs. Penniman was so kind to take it for us. Then we started being excited again when Mika appeared with a bottle of Moet&Chandon. He wanted to toast on us and was sad that there only was one bottle. He then showed off his skills as a previous waiter, but apparently you can't hire him for parties. Damn it. So, we downed the champagne (which was not a good idea for me because I don't usually drink alcohol) and we just chatted a bit about the show, about creepy gifts from people, stoned audience members and what not. Then it was picture time. We first took group pictures, and then we took pictures in smaller groups. When one of the guys suggested to look 'tough' I said they should do a sexy face. Mika totally failed at his because he started laughing and couldn't do it.
He then said he wished our paths would cross again and hoped we would sing together again someday. Which should totally happen. We should start a popgroup. Mika & The Mikettes. Or whatever. I see a bright future ahead!
Mika then left and we started to clean the dressing room because we're awesome like that. The band came over to take a picture and it turned out great. We packed up our stuff, promised to stay in touch and then left the venue *sad face*.

I haven't had this much fun in ages. We were constantly laughing, having fun, singing and dancing. I was so sad when it was over because I had the best fucking time ever. We weren't treated as fans at all, but it really felt like we belonged there. I wish we could do this every day. Damn it. I miss everyone already!

So Mika, next gig in Amsterdam, call us maybe?

Friday, 12 October 2012

Why someone should slap PETA in the face. With a table.

Dear PETA,

You're doing it wrong. Totally wrong. And not the guilty pleasure Village People kinda wrong. And I know what you're trying to do. I get your whole animal liberation thing. Or wait, actually I don't. But we'll get to that in a bit.
Don't get me wrong PETA, I love animals. In my spare time, I hug rattlesnakes and run with deer in the forest, channeling my inner Pocahontas. Animals are great. They are fluffy and cute and majestic and amazing and dangerous and what not. And it's terrible that animals are being tortured and used for experiments and shit. If anyone would hurt my dog, they would meet my fist in their face. However, there is such a thing as a line. PETA, you cross that line. No, you don't cross it. You jump over that line, pull down your pants and show your Ah-ha's to innocent bystanders. And why? Because all animals have to roam free like this is fucking My Little Pony Land. Nothing wrong with that sentiment, but you are trying to persuade the neutral people in a way that makes them run away from you. Screaming. In circles.

First off, PETA, you say that animals should not be used for consumption. We shouldn't eat animals. They are not ours to eat! I respect anyone who is a vegetarian for whatever reason. Just the reasoning that we are not allowed to eat animals is a bit weird. Why you ask? Well, if humans are told off for eating animals, we should totally tell that nasty ass lion to keep his claws off of that lovely zebra. Or even our own domesticated cats. How does Felix dare to catch that mouse? Thing is, PETA, if humans hadn't eaten any animals back in the day when there was no such thing as paint to throw at people you don't agree with, then there wouldn't have been humans at all. And that would suck right? Who is going to tell all those carnivores off for eating other living species when there are no people around? I agree with you that the food industry is a bit extreme nowadays and that it's totally uncool how some animals are treated by some people. But that doesn't mean that we should all stop eating meat and run around in our Adam and Eve costumes. There's a middle way, trust me.

PETA, when I watch videos of the IFAW, my heart breaks into a million pieces. They make me want to go out there and prevent people from stepping on kittens. You, however, decide to use criminal acts to make people listen to you. Basically, you are just a terrorist organisation. You don't really care about animals. In fact, you even killed thousands of animals in your care. Is that your idea of liberation? I certainly hope not. Apparently, some guy named Bruce, who happens to be in your organisation, allegedly said: “blowing stuff up and smashing windows is a great way to bring about animal liberation.” I don't really see how? It just sounds like a kid who seeks attention and what better way to blow shit up in the name of all those helpless animals! When someone tries to intimidate me, I won't listen. When someone sets my house on fire, it won't make me believe that I was wrong all along and was just too blind to see. It just makes me want to drag your ass to court. When someone throws paint at me, I won't like them. Paint is for painting. Just go draw a picture of an animal in need.

The reason why I am writing this now, PETA, is because recently you have launched a campaign against animal abusers with the use of the animation series Pokemon. According to you, Pokemon teaches kids to use animals in combat and abuse them when they're not obedient. What kind of fuckery is that? I was 7 when Pokemon was released. I was a very active Pokemon fan. I played all the games, collected the cards, etc. etc. Basically, according to your ideas, I was an animal abuser in the making. Well, PETA, I learned several things from Pokemon. I learned English, which is very convenient. I learned about friendship and so much more. It never crossed my minds to use real animals for battling. I have never met anyone who thought you can use animals for battling because Pokemon taught them that. For fuck's sake PETA, it's a cartoon series. There is so much violence in cartoons these days, yet that doesn't turn children into mass murderers. After all, it's you who murders thousands of healthy cats and dogs, not the people who play Pokemon.

PETA, it's a bit short-sighted to believe in the liberation of all animals. If we would all liberate our pets, they would be dead in 2 days. Besides, my dog doesn't even want to be liberate. Nobody pets you when you're liberated as a dog. Nobody feeds you. That's pretty shit.

PETA, I suggest that if you actually want people to listen to you, you should drop this radical approach of yours. You don't give a flying fuck about your so-called cause. You're just an attention whore who doesn't get laid enough. No, PETA, smashing things and burning things down is not justified when you have a 'reason' for it. You devalue the lives of other humans, in favour of the lives of animals, apart from your own lives. Yours lives are pretty valuable.

Once again, PETA, I agree with you that there should be changes. Animals should be treated better. But if you had any intelligence, you would see that your way, is not the way to do it.


Friday, 5 October 2012

What horror films taught me

I want to come clean. I strongly dislike watching horror films. I don't really get that whole idea of a limb here, a fountain of blood there or some creepy ass ghost haunting bitches at night. It's not my thang yo. A few years ago, when I was still at secondary school, some of my classmates had convinced my German teacher that we should totally watch this film called Saw. For educational purposes of course. Now, I managed to watch 5 minutes of it. That was quite an accomplishment, considering the fact that next thing I knew, I was about to throw up, which resulted in my classmates having to watch The Prince and Me in German. You're welcome kids.

Despite the fact that horror films are not my thing, I have managed to watch some (parts) of horror films that I found very fascinating. The most fascinating thing about horror films is that they are mostly very similar to each other. It usually involves a group of young people who decide it's the best idea to drive into some random deserted place. Naturally, there is no way to get in touch with the rest of the world and oh fuck, flat tyre!
Now, if I happen to be stuck somewhere with a flat tyre, the last thing I would do is go in some creepy looking shed, hoping someone would help me. And even if I would, I would get the fuck out of there if nobody was answering. I am not going to sleep in the shed or house. I understand, it's difficult to call road services with no signal, but I'd rather walk the way back then stay in some haunted mansion. Yet, would destiny force me to stay in that house and if I'd be with a group of friends, I would definitely not be like "Oh hey guys, there's some wicked shit going on here. You know what we should do? Split up!" It always happens in horror films. The idiots split up. And as we all know, shit goes down once they split up. Bitches get murdered. Now, if you belong to any of these groups, you are most likely not going to survive a horror scenario.

1. The slut: She/He is usually the first to be murdered by some axe-swinging bastard. Preferably whilst having sex. But let's be honest, who the hell is even thinking about having sex when they are in some abandoned shithole you have just trespassed for whatever reason. It's as if these psychopaths smell the body juices, the moment sluts are tongue-tied together. So, kids, be smart, don't have sex when you're in a situation like this. It might save your ass.

2. The gothic: If you're all different and drawn to the dark side because of the cookies, you might end up pretty dead by the end of the ride. You will manage to last for a while, just because you understand the dark forces and can tell all your non-dead friends about what the devil is going on. Still, you're dead meat. Sorry.

3. The stoner: Pretty much speaks for itself. If you're too high to function, you're too high to save your ass. Gosh, I hope Amsterdam will never be attacked by zombies.

4. The Hippie: The nicest person. In such circumstances it's irritating when you're nice. And so you die.

5. The Funny guy: Making jokes about a serial killer is not done. It's a serious job, you know and someone's got to do it. Oh...behind you...

6. The Smart Kid: If you wear glasses and a bow-tie, and have more intelligence than the majority of your group of friends, you're screwed. It doesn't matter if you're smart enough to find a solution to this killing problem. The knife is always faster.

7. The Angry kid: Look, we're in enough trouble as it is already, no need to be an asshole about it okay? When you keep shouting like that you will....aaaand his head is gone.

8. Every minority: It's unfair, I know. But if you're not the handsome male white hero, or the clever but good-looking gal, you are doomed. It's nothing personal. It doesn't matter if you're black or white or Asian, gay or straight. If you're not Channing Tatum, you're fucked.

So, if I'd ever be in this situation with any one of you, this is what we'll do. You go into that house which has the reputation for being haunted, and I will run away and get my ass out of there and call the cops and hope you will return safely. And preferably unpossessed by some demon. And with all your limbs. I will include some unnecessary loud screaming as well. And I will run in circles. It's nothing personal. I suggest you try to get your ass out of that situation too.

Ps. if you want to see a funny and awesome spoof on horror films of the 60s and 70s, watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show. You shall not be disappointed!