Friday, 5 October 2012

What horror films taught me

I want to come clean. I strongly dislike watching horror films. I don't really get that whole idea of a limb here, a fountain of blood there or some creepy ass ghost haunting bitches at night. It's not my thang yo. A few years ago, when I was still at secondary school, some of my classmates had convinced my German teacher that we should totally watch this film called Saw. For educational purposes of course. Now, I managed to watch 5 minutes of it. That was quite an accomplishment, considering the fact that next thing I knew, I was about to throw up, which resulted in my classmates having to watch The Prince and Me in German. You're welcome kids.

Despite the fact that horror films are not my thing, I have managed to watch some (parts) of horror films that I found very fascinating. The most fascinating thing about horror films is that they are mostly very similar to each other. It usually involves a group of young people who decide it's the best idea to drive into some random deserted place. Naturally, there is no way to get in touch with the rest of the world and oh fuck, flat tyre!
Now, if I happen to be stuck somewhere with a flat tyre, the last thing I would do is go in some creepy looking shed, hoping someone would help me. And even if I would, I would get the fuck out of there if nobody was answering. I am not going to sleep in the shed or house. I understand, it's difficult to call road services with no signal, but I'd rather walk the way back then stay in some haunted mansion. Yet, would destiny force me to stay in that house and if I'd be with a group of friends, I would definitely not be like "Oh hey guys, there's some wicked shit going on here. You know what we should do? Split up!" It always happens in horror films. The idiots split up. And as we all know, shit goes down once they split up. Bitches get murdered. Now, if you belong to any of these groups, you are most likely not going to survive a horror scenario.

1. The slut: She/He is usually the first to be murdered by some axe-swinging bastard. Preferably whilst having sex. But let's be honest, who the hell is even thinking about having sex when they are in some abandoned shithole you have just trespassed for whatever reason. It's as if these psychopaths smell the body juices, the moment sluts are tongue-tied together. So, kids, be smart, don't have sex when you're in a situation like this. It might save your ass.

2. The gothic: If you're all different and drawn to the dark side because of the cookies, you might end up pretty dead by the end of the ride. You will manage to last for a while, just because you understand the dark forces and can tell all your non-dead friends about what the devil is going on. Still, you're dead meat. Sorry.

3. The stoner: Pretty much speaks for itself. If you're too high to function, you're too high to save your ass. Gosh, I hope Amsterdam will never be attacked by zombies.

4. The Hippie: The nicest person. In such circumstances it's irritating when you're nice. And so you die.

5. The Funny guy: Making jokes about a serial killer is not done. It's a serious job, you know and someone's got to do it. Oh...behind you...

6. The Smart Kid: If you wear glasses and a bow-tie, and have more intelligence than the majority of your group of friends, you're screwed. It doesn't matter if you're smart enough to find a solution to this killing problem. The knife is always faster.

7. The Angry kid: Look, we're in enough trouble as it is already, no need to be an asshole about it okay? When you keep shouting like that you will....aaaand his head is gone.

8. Every minority: It's unfair, I know. But if you're not the handsome male white hero, or the clever but good-looking gal, you are doomed. It's nothing personal. It doesn't matter if you're black or white or Asian, gay or straight. If you're not Channing Tatum, you're fucked.

So, if I'd ever be in this situation with any one of you, this is what we'll do. You go into that house which has the reputation for being haunted, and I will run away and get my ass out of there and call the cops and hope you will return safely. And preferably unpossessed by some demon. And with all your limbs. I will include some unnecessary loud screaming as well. And I will run in circles. It's nothing personal. I suggest you try to get your ass out of that situation too.

Ps. if you want to see a funny and awesome spoof on horror films of the 60s and 70s, watch The Rocky Horror Picture Show. You shall not be disappointed!

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