Friday, 22 March 2013
Wednesday, 13 March 2013
Dear Taylor Swift,
I have just heard your new song, 22, and I feel like something's missing. I know, I know. You have made a lot of money out of being the perfect daughter-in-law, but honey, it's time to spice up your life! There comes a time when your 10-year old fans will no longer fall for the sad break up songs. They will get drunk in the clubs while being naked and shagging 6 strangers all at once. It happens. So, Taytay, because I am such a good person, I have already written you a new song. No worries, it involves all your exes. You're welcome to use this, but I do expect royalties. Let's become partners in crime!
Idea behind this song is the fact that Taylor seems to be very unlucky in relationships. I figured men like food. That's why it should be a song about food. God I'm a fucking genius.
Without further ado, my song written for Taylor Swift, called My Hotdog.
My Hotdog
It's getting late
My tears have dried
I feel pretty rowdy
Wanna party tonight?
Got your number in my phone
But texting you ain't my Style
Gonna get me a sugardaddy
'Cuz he ain't fertile
And I'm so so happy
So so happy
Gonna party with Jackie D.
Yeah
Chorus
Baby let's snog
I want your hotdog
I want a bite of your tasty
Why you so hasty?
Woaaah woooah oh oh
We just got here.
Woaaah woooaah oh oh
It's in the atmosphere.
Eat this shit John Mayer
Now I'm the biggest player
You can wait on the world to change
But you're within my rocket range
Miley said she couldn't be tamed
But the title of baddest bitch is claimed
It's me-e, Swift to the T.
And it's an added bonus
If I can smash the guitar of a Jonas.
Chorus
Baby let's snog
I want your hotdog
I want a bite of your tasty
Why you so hasty?
Woaaah woooah oh oh
We just got here.
Woaaah woooaah oh oh
It's in the atmosphere.
Oh oh oh oh
No werewolf as wild as me
I wish Twilight books
Could go back to being trees
Oh oh oh oh
Chorus:
Baby let's snog
I want your hotdog
I want a bite of your tasty
Why you so hasty?
Woaaah woooah oh oh
We just got here.
Woaaah woooaah oh oh
It's in the atmosphere.
Gimme your hotdog
Gimme your hotdog
Clear the smog
I want your hotdog
Like that!
Idea behind this song is the fact that Taylor seems to be very unlucky in relationships. I figured men like food. That's why it should be a song about food. God I'm a fucking genius.
Without further ado, my song written for Taylor Swift, called My Hotdog.
My Hotdog
It's getting late
My tears have dried
I feel pretty rowdy
Wanna party tonight?
Got your number in my phone
But texting you ain't my Style
Gonna get me a sugardaddy
'Cuz he ain't fertile
And I'm so so happy
So so happy
Gonna party with Jackie D.
Yeah
Chorus
Baby let's snog
I want your hotdog
I want a bite of your tasty
Why you so hasty?
Woaaah woooah oh oh
We just got here.
Woaaah woooaah oh oh
It's in the atmosphere.
Eat this shit John Mayer
Now I'm the biggest player
You can wait on the world to change
But you're within my rocket range
Miley said she couldn't be tamed
But the title of baddest bitch is claimed
It's me-e, Swift to the T.
And it's an added bonus
If I can smash the guitar of a Jonas.
Chorus
Baby let's snog
I want your hotdog
I want a bite of your tasty
Why you so hasty?
Woaaah woooah oh oh
We just got here.
Woaaah woooaah oh oh
It's in the atmosphere.
Oh oh oh oh
No werewolf as wild as me
I wish Twilight books
Could go back to being trees
Oh oh oh oh
Chorus:
Baby let's snog
I want your hotdog
I want a bite of your tasty
Why you so hasty?
Woaaah woooah oh oh
We just got here.
Woaaah woooaah oh oh
It's in the atmosphere.
Gimme your hotdog
Gimme your hotdog
Clear the smog
I want your hotdog
Like that!
A very important message
We, the people of the NAFTPOTCHOD are angry. Why you ask? Because we feel discriminated. Bullied. Tortured. We've sat back for too long and let all of this go by, but enough is enough. Our teenagers are harming themselves, they can't go to a pond without being made fun of. First they were too feathery, now they can't set a foot without teenage girls and orange adults pulling these weird faces, imitating our beautiful visages. It makes us feel self-conscious. It makes us sad! It makes us angry!
We will fight against it. Oh yes we will. And we shall not come alone. All broad-beaked bitches will come and find you, next time you're near our pond. We will have no mercy.
So, as a request of the National Association For The Protection Of The Culture Heritage Of Ducks, please, humans, stop making fun of us. We will give you a week. If not, our revenge will be feathery sweet.
Regards,
Quack Duck
President of the NAFTPOTCHOD.
So, as a request of the National Association For The Protection Of The Culture Heritage Of Ducks, please, humans, stop making fun of us. We will give you a week. If not, our revenge will be feathery sweet.
Regards,
Quack Duck
President of the NAFTPOTCHOD.
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
This is why some people should sit the fuck down and overthink their priorities.
It's been enough. It's time to end this once and for all. As a fan of certain artists and an observer of popular music in general, I have come to a conclusion that will shock the world; There are too many psychos in fandoms who have no idea that they are psychos.
I know what you're thinking. This is well-known. Why do you even bother? Well, because as the good person that I am, I feel it's necessary for me to help those crazed people by making them aware of their awkward behaviour. I don't care whether you're an I'm-15-so-it's-cute-if-I-act-like-a-potential-serial-killer psycho or an I'm-60-and-I-have-failed-in-life-so-I-will-just-stalk-a-young-popstar-and-send-him-nudepics-and-make-everyone-feel-awkward kinda psycho. It is not cute. It is not sexy. It will most likely get you a restraining order.
Why you ask? Because in reality, you think you know your idol, but in most cases your idol has no clue who the fuck you are and you are just a stranger to said person. Now, while it is nice to receive compliments from strangers, it's taken to a whole new level when you bombard someone with messages of your undying love and the anger when there is no response, when this person has never met you. It's different when you've met your idol a couple of times and you're on good terms with him/her, sharing inside jokes. Yet you wouldn't say such things to a stranger in the train, so you shouldn't say such things to a singer/actor etc.
To illustrate my point, I have drawn this amazing illustrations for the crazies among us who prefer to get the image more visual. You're welcome:
In what universe would this be considered cute? In no universe, that is where.
Another point which outs someone as a crazy, is the insane jealousy which is publicly displayed on social media, preferably aimed towards friends or fellow fans who get attention from the prefered idol of choice. It might even be a tweet that is completely random or pretty lame, yet still might cause an outburst of jealous rage.
Imagine I was the popstar (Shut up) and I tweeted this to one of my followers:
And say my good friend Luke is a friend of Iheartingie4evah. They've chatted online for hours, been to an insane amount of gigs together and basically have sworn never to leave each other's side. Then Luke sees this tweet and he goes apeshit. After all, he has been bombarding popstar me with a million tweets asking me to notice him.
What kind of friendship is this? Why not be happy for the other person, no matter if you do know him/her or not?
To round this story off, this is what fictional fan Luke tweeted next:
What I'm trying to say is, do you, crazy stalker person, not realise that nobody is going to notice you by sending creepy, forcing messages to a celebrity? Oh I beg my pardon, they will notice you and probably block your ass or make sure you are not going to get within 400 feet of the person you are stalking.
Yes, social media has blurred the lines between what is acceptable and what is not. Still, I bet you wouldn't like people to shout: "OMG I LOVE YOUR CHESTHAIR AND YOUR NIPPLES" at you when you are walking down the street. Just sit the fuck down and calm your tits. No, your idol is not perfect. He/she farts and swears and does shit you don't want to know about. No, your idol is not your best friend even though you sent him/her your life story through twitter. No, it is not nice to harrass other fans just because they did get a tweet or real life contact with your idol. After all, it will only out you as an insane freak and nobody likes to be around insane people. They've been known to bite and shit.
Take my advise; If you want to write about your sexual or whatever kind of fantasies with your idol, go get a diary and make sure nobody reads it. It will ensure people do not get to see the perverted sex offender side of you.
Before you tweet something, take a moment to think if this is really what you want to say. Could you perhaps rephrase it so it won't sound like it came straight from a Stephen King novel? If no, then don't tweet it.
If you are a jealous person and can't handle the fact that sometimes in life, people get something you don't, then sulk in a corner of your room, but do not, I repeat, do not vent your frustrations on the internet as it will make you look like a character from a Stephen King novel in the likely case you chose the wrong words to get your message across. Nobody likes to hang with IT.
Let's face it, when you're a teenager, it is likely that next year you have another favourite popstar. So it would be awkward if the past would come back to hound your ass. And if you end up sticking to this idol, please make sure you have a life outside of being a creepy stalker. It helps to keep you grounded.
And if you are already that fucked up that all sense of reality is gone, then I really feel sorry for you. Here's a cookie!
So that was my rant for today. I hope it has helped. Or at least entertained some people. Huzah!
I know what you're thinking. This is well-known. Why do you even bother? Well, because as the good person that I am, I feel it's necessary for me to help those crazed people by making them aware of their awkward behaviour. I don't care whether you're an I'm-15-so-it's-cute-if-I-act-like-a-potential-serial-killer psycho or an I'm-60-and-I-have-failed-in-life-so-I-will-just-stalk-a-young-popstar-and-send-him-nudepics-and-make-everyone-feel-awkward kinda psycho. It is not cute. It is not sexy. It will most likely get you a restraining order.
Why you ask? Because in reality, you think you know your idol, but in most cases your idol has no clue who the fuck you are and you are just a stranger to said person. Now, while it is nice to receive compliments from strangers, it's taken to a whole new level when you bombard someone with messages of your undying love and the anger when there is no response, when this person has never met you. It's different when you've met your idol a couple of times and you're on good terms with him/her, sharing inside jokes. Yet you wouldn't say such things to a stranger in the train, so you shouldn't say such things to a singer/actor etc.
To illustrate my point, I have drawn this amazing illustrations for the crazies among us who prefer to get the image more visual. You're welcome:
In what universe would this be considered cute? In no universe, that is where.
Another point which outs someone as a crazy, is the insane jealousy which is publicly displayed on social media, preferably aimed towards friends or fellow fans who get attention from the prefered idol of choice. It might even be a tweet that is completely random or pretty lame, yet still might cause an outburst of jealous rage.
Imagine I was the popstar (Shut up) and I tweeted this to one of my followers:
What kind of friendship is this? Why not be happy for the other person, no matter if you do know him/her or not?
To round this story off, this is what fictional fan Luke tweeted next:
Yes, social media has blurred the lines between what is acceptable and what is not. Still, I bet you wouldn't like people to shout: "OMG I LOVE YOUR CHESTHAIR AND YOUR NIPPLES" at you when you are walking down the street. Just sit the fuck down and calm your tits. No, your idol is not perfect. He/she farts and swears and does shit you don't want to know about. No, your idol is not your best friend even though you sent him/her your life story through twitter. No, it is not nice to harrass other fans just because they did get a tweet or real life contact with your idol. After all, it will only out you as an insane freak and nobody likes to be around insane people. They've been known to bite and shit.
Take my advise; If you want to write about your sexual or whatever kind of fantasies with your idol, go get a diary and make sure nobody reads it. It will ensure people do not get to see the perverted sex offender side of you.
Before you tweet something, take a moment to think if this is really what you want to say. Could you perhaps rephrase it so it won't sound like it came straight from a Stephen King novel? If no, then don't tweet it.
If you are a jealous person and can't handle the fact that sometimes in life, people get something you don't, then sulk in a corner of your room, but do not, I repeat, do not vent your frustrations on the internet as it will make you look like a character from a Stephen King novel in the likely case you chose the wrong words to get your message across. Nobody likes to hang with IT.
Let's face it, when you're a teenager, it is likely that next year you have another favourite popstar. So it would be awkward if the past would come back to hound your ass. And if you end up sticking to this idol, please make sure you have a life outside of being a creepy stalker. It helps to keep you grounded.
And if you are already that fucked up that all sense of reality is gone, then I really feel sorry for you. Here's a cookie!
So that was my rant for today. I hope it has helped. Or at least entertained some people. Huzah!
Sunday, 3 March 2013
Thursday, 28 February 2013
Closer as sung by me
Alright now from Ingrid Chant on Vimeo.
Monday, 25 February 2013
Scars of the past
Lately I've been thinking quite a lot about my secondary school years. Quite possibly the worst time of my existence. I do not often talk about this, but I have been badly bullied in my teenage years. It wasn't like the occasional bullying, but especially in my first year of secondary school I've been tormented, broken and bruised by a group of 'popular' kids who strongly disliked me just because I was different. I wasn't interested in boys back then, I wasn't into their kind of music. I refused to adjust to their norms. In return I was called fat and ugly. They would make my school years a living hell. They stalked me online (internet was still up and coming in those days) and threatened and bullied me via msn.
I copied those conversations and sent them to my teacher who did absolutely nothing to help me. Even when my biggest tormentor was kicked off school, things did not stop. Many classmates still called me fat and ugly and said I would never find anyone who would want to date me. They held bets and if they touched me, they would get cheered on, after which they pretended their hands were dirty. I got locked up in the bathroom. Even people who I considered to be friends let me down tremendously, just because they prefered to be associated with cool people.
I have always been a weirdo. A stranger. For a long time I couldn't even bear to look at myself in the mirror. If so many people said I was indeed ugly, then it must be true. What was I worth anyway?
I was lucky enough to find people who actually cared. I was fortunate enough to discover music which took me to other worlds and let me escape the everyday reality of my life. I was lucky enough to be able to fight and conquer my insecurities.
There are so many people who can't do. Every day so many teenagers are bullied to the extent that some do not see the light any more. For them there is only one solution. Death. Their cries for help have gone unnoticed. It has to change.
I saw the facebook profile of the guy who had bullied me most. I was disgusted. Just looking at his face brought back the pain he had inflicted on me. He probably doesn't even remember. He doesn't know that he gave me the scars that will never go away. It doesn't bother him. It doesn't hurt him. I was tempted to leave him a message wishing him hell. I didn't. I'm stronger now. I'm happy now. He means nothing to me anymore and I hope that one day he will just fade to be a distant memory.
There are not enough weirdoes in the world, and with weirdoes I do not mean those who are like fucking insane in a bad way. I mean those who dare to be different. Those who follow their hearts no matter if it takes them to a place different than the norm. Those who are unique, not necessarily in their looks, but also in their minds. Those who dare to fight for what they believe in. We must cherish the weirdoes, no matter what sets them apart. Later in my teenage years I found someone who helped me through difficult times and understood me the way I was, regardless of my complicated thoughts. I wish for everyone who is struggling with who they are or who they want to be to find a person like that.
Remember, always stay who you are. People might put obstacles in your way, but if you conquer these you will conquer everything. Just believe in yourself and never stop fighting.
I copied those conversations and sent them to my teacher who did absolutely nothing to help me. Even when my biggest tormentor was kicked off school, things did not stop. Many classmates still called me fat and ugly and said I would never find anyone who would want to date me. They held bets and if they touched me, they would get cheered on, after which they pretended their hands were dirty. I got locked up in the bathroom. Even people who I considered to be friends let me down tremendously, just because they prefered to be associated with cool people.
I have always been a weirdo. A stranger. For a long time I couldn't even bear to look at myself in the mirror. If so many people said I was indeed ugly, then it must be true. What was I worth anyway?
I was lucky enough to find people who actually cared. I was fortunate enough to discover music which took me to other worlds and let me escape the everyday reality of my life. I was lucky enough to be able to fight and conquer my insecurities.
There are so many people who can't do. Every day so many teenagers are bullied to the extent that some do not see the light any more. For them there is only one solution. Death. Their cries for help have gone unnoticed. It has to change.
I saw the facebook profile of the guy who had bullied me most. I was disgusted. Just looking at his face brought back the pain he had inflicted on me. He probably doesn't even remember. He doesn't know that he gave me the scars that will never go away. It doesn't bother him. It doesn't hurt him. I was tempted to leave him a message wishing him hell. I didn't. I'm stronger now. I'm happy now. He means nothing to me anymore and I hope that one day he will just fade to be a distant memory.
There are not enough weirdoes in the world, and with weirdoes I do not mean those who are like fucking insane in a bad way. I mean those who dare to be different. Those who follow their hearts no matter if it takes them to a place different than the norm. Those who are unique, not necessarily in their looks, but also in their minds. Those who dare to fight for what they believe in. We must cherish the weirdoes, no matter what sets them apart. Later in my teenage years I found someone who helped me through difficult times and understood me the way I was, regardless of my complicated thoughts. I wish for everyone who is struggling with who they are or who they want to be to find a person like that.
Remember, always stay who you are. People might put obstacles in your way, but if you conquer these you will conquer everything. Just believe in yourself and never stop fighting.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)