Why someone should slap PETA in the face. With a table.

Dear PETA,

You're doing it wrong. Totally wrong. And not the guilty pleasure Village People kinda wrong. And I know what you're trying to do. I get your whole animal liberation thing. Or wait, actually I don't. But we'll get to that in a bit.
Don't get me wrong PETA, I love animals. In my spare time, I hug rattlesnakes and run with deer in the forest, channeling my inner Pocahontas. Animals are great. They are fluffy and cute and majestic and amazing and dangerous and what not. And it's terrible that animals are being tortured and used for experiments and shit. If anyone would hurt my dog, they would meet my fist in their face. However, there is such a thing as a line. PETA, you cross that line. No, you don't cross it. You jump over that line, pull down your pants and show your Ah-ha's to innocent bystanders. And why? Because all animals have to roam free like this is fucking My Little Pony Land. Nothing wrong with that sentiment, but you are trying to persuade the neutral people in a way that makes them run away from you. Screaming. In circles.

First off, PETA, you say that animals should not be used for consumption. We shouldn't eat animals. They are not ours to eat! I respect anyone who is a vegetarian for whatever reason. Just the reasoning that we are not allowed to eat animals is a bit weird. Why you ask? Well, if humans are told off for eating animals, we should totally tell that nasty ass lion to keep his claws off of that lovely zebra. Or even our own domesticated cats. How does Felix dare to catch that mouse? Thing is, PETA, if humans hadn't eaten any animals back in the day when there was no such thing as paint to throw at people you don't agree with, then there wouldn't have been humans at all. And that would suck right? Who is going to tell all those carnivores off for eating other living species when there are no people around? I agree with you that the food industry is a bit extreme nowadays and that it's totally uncool how some animals are treated by some people. But that doesn't mean that we should all stop eating meat and run around in our Adam and Eve costumes. There's a middle way, trust me.

PETA, when I watch videos of the IFAW, my heart breaks into a million pieces. They make me want to go out there and prevent people from stepping on kittens. You, however, decide to use criminal acts to make people listen to you. Basically, you are just a terrorist organisation. You don't really care about animals. In fact, you even killed thousands of animals in your care. Is that your idea of liberation? I certainly hope not. Apparently, some guy named Bruce, who happens to be in your organisation, allegedly said: “blowing stuff up and smashing windows is a great way to bring about animal liberation.” I don't really see how? It just sounds like a kid who seeks attention and what better way to blow shit up in the name of all those helpless animals! When someone tries to intimidate me, I won't listen. When someone sets my house on fire, it won't make me believe that I was wrong all along and was just too blind to see. It just makes me want to drag your ass to court. When someone throws paint at me, I won't like them. Paint is for painting. Just go draw a picture of an animal in need.

The reason why I am writing this now, PETA, is because recently you have launched a campaign against animal abusers with the use of the animation series Pokemon. According to you, Pokemon teaches kids to use animals in combat and abuse them when they're not obedient. What kind of fuckery is that? I was 7 when Pokemon was released. I was a very active Pokemon fan. I played all the games, collected the cards, etc. etc. Basically, according to your ideas, I was an animal abuser in the making. Well, PETA, I learned several things from Pokemon. I learned English, which is very convenient. I learned about friendship and so much more. It never crossed my minds to use real animals for battling. I have never met anyone who thought you can use animals for battling because Pokemon taught them that. For fuck's sake PETA, it's a cartoon series. There is so much violence in cartoons these days, yet that doesn't turn children into mass murderers. After all, it's you who murders thousands of healthy cats and dogs, not the people who play Pokemon.

PETA, it's a bit short-sighted to believe in the liberation of all animals. If we would all liberate our pets, they would be dead in 2 days. Besides, my dog doesn't even want to be liberate. Nobody pets you when you're liberated as a dog. Nobody feeds you. That's pretty shit.

PETA, I suggest that if you actually want people to listen to you, you should drop this radical approach of yours. You don't give a flying fuck about your so-called cause. You're just an attention whore who doesn't get laid enough. No, PETA, smashing things and burning things down is not justified when you have a 'reason' for it. You devalue the lives of other humans, in favour of the lives of animals, apart from your own lives. Yours lives are pretty valuable.

Once again, PETA, I agree with you that there should be changes. Animals should be treated better. But if you had any intelligence, you would see that your way, is not the way to do it.

Regards.